Posted by chippychirpyquirky
I’m not sure whether it’s a mid-life crisis, a lack of sun in the winter months or what but I feel exceptionally grumpy. AGAIN. I felt like this in the Fall last year and it lasted longer than the stupid and inexplicable last resort comments about hormones and “that time of the month.” It’s here again. The grumpiness.
I don’t seek conflict or enjoy drama but I generally don’t back down from difficult conversations or disagreements either. I will always engage in them. Having said that I find myself so angry and frustrated a lot of the time. There is just too much negativity around me (coming from me?) and I engage in it and then give too much of myself over to it. So I am choosing to back away. Back away from the negative influences that antagonize me.
You can’t have a conversation over Twitter or Facebook. I think it’s time to disengage from those media forms too. Until today I hadn’t really posted a status on FB or Twitter, “liked” a message or responded in 4 days. I was choosing not to engage – at all. It was a challenge I set myself. It was a little tricky but by no means was it really hard. This is not some epic goodbye speech. I’m not closing these accounts or lamenting the evils of social media but I have simply made an decision and an effort to distance myself from the sites and the people where I felt the most hostility. It’s time to change the message. Time to disengage.
I need to focus more on creating positive situations for myself. My mental health is not something I take for granted. I live with anxiety. I have my whole life. My fear is it will lead me to a dark path that consumed me once – DEPRESSION. I will never go back there. EVER. If I can control the situation at all I think this is one step in what I need to do to save my perceived sanity. So right now I’m grumpy but I have plans to change that.
Posted by chippychirpyquirky
When I first started this blog I wasn’t sure exactly how much to talk about the people in my life. Up until now I have kept most things pretty generic and the people nameless. If you are the 3.5 people who read my blog (I am being generous, I think) you may know who they are but because I didn’t specifically ask their permission or even let them know I was writing about them, at this point I chose not to name them. I did name my sister-in-law, Joanne in this recent post but she’s um, deceased and no longer gets to speak for herself. I mean no disrespect. Joanne and I are good. I digress. What I’m trying to say is this blog really is a work in progress. While I’m not naming names this particular post gets personal. That’s a lot of “P”s. Ready? Here comes another one… I’m pissed at my sister.
Yep! I found out yesterday by way of her Facebook status that my aunt had passed away. Now I know my aunt had been sick, she had a form of stomach cancer. We all knew it was only a matter of time though clearly I wasn’t prepared for yesterday’s announcement. I’m not sure what bothered me more, her death and the suddenness of it or that the cyber world knew before I did and before I had a chance to tell my children. I suppose it was both, I mean this is my aunt. My younger cousin’s mom. My dad’s sister. We shared so many family holidays and celebrations together growing up and she joined us at the family BBQs and parties as my kids grew. I felt cheated. How did my sister know already? I checked my email. My father had left a message for everyone so he could go to the hospice to be with my aunt, his other sister and my cousin. Aren’t there family spoiler alerts on Facebook? I know my sister didn’t mean any harm. She was posting away her life like we all do. I wish she had chosen to wait. My big girlie found out the same way and she was none too impressed, either. Heavy sigh.
Then last evening I read an article about the Tooth Fairy and how someone, somewhere did a study saying how all lies are bad lies. Children are confused and have a hard time processing the inconsistencies between their parents telling them lying is bad, don’t lie and the “hey, guess what I’ve been lying to you about imaginary childhood icons in the name of fun or to change your behaviour and that’s bad and wrong and will scar you and render me and other parents completely untrustworthy in their children’s eyes.” Again, I digress. I completely scoffed at it but it got me thinking about exposure and our current state of social media. We are surrounded by the whole world. It is literally at our finger tips and feels like things happen in our own backyard when they happen half way around the world. Children will find out about the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus earlier than we did as children simply because the information is there in ways we just didn’t have 30, 40, 50 years ago. Things are changing. Things have changed.
So while I showered away the rough day I had because I also chipped a tooth, dropped my bag in the mud, found out my aunt passed away via facebook and shattered a wine glass, I thought we really have no control over these things the way we once did (or thought we did). Information is power and it’s already out there. Whether you are ready for it or not. So Sister, we’re good.
Auntie Barbara you were loved. You will be missed.